I get annoyed when I read a blog that doesn’t show the real life of a family. No family is perfect. We all have trials and things we go through in this life. It’s unavoidable. To me it’s much more interesting to read about the good times mixed in with those refining moments that shape us into the people Heavenly Father wants us to become. I also believe when we share our experiences, others will be strengthened. So in my effort to keep it real around here, I’m going to share this experience…first for my own memory, then for my kids, and then for anyone else that can benefit.
The past couple weeks we’ve been going through miscarriage #3. I was 10 weeks. I’m starting to feel like a broken record, and I hate it. If you would have asked me 3 years ago, after having 3 healthy kids no problem, if this was in my future I would have said, “Heck no! We've got it down! If you can have 3 you can have 10, right?” Ha. That’s what I thought. Well, as I’ve gone through this, I’ve learned a couple things. We are not in charge. at. all. I had a grand plan to have 5 kids and be done by the time I’m 30. I also didn’t want to have any big age gaps in between my kids. We’ll I’m here to tell you…I’m not in charge. I turn 30 this year, I obviously don’t have 5 kids, and my youngest is 3…the gap is getting bigger. I have learned I need to put my desires aside and let my Father in Heaven run the show and align my will with his.
The past weeks have been ones of turmoil. I just couldn’t find peace in my soul. Thoughts just keep running through my head wondering what to do next. Do we try again? Are we done with 3? Should I sell all the baby stuff? I want to know the end result of this story now. I want to plan for what’s next. As we were sitting in the celestial room of the temple on Saturday night, the thought came to my mind and reached deep within my soul, “You worry about those 3 boys you have and don’t worry about anything else. I’m in control. It will be okay.” Did that answer any questions I had? No. But I feel so much peace now. I’m okay with whatever happens. The temple is undoubtedly a place where we can get closer to God.
Then Sunday I found this article that gave me even more peace. You have to read it. It pertains to us all whether you’ve had a miscarriage or not. I love the line that says, “I became convinced that when women offer their bodies as vehicles for new life, they are consecrating themselves to God's purposes, and God honors this offering, whether or not it results in live birth. I realized that this is true for women in a variety of circumstances: women who try and try, but are unable to conceive; women who face the rigors of adopting a child; women who remain single in this lifetime, who must forego maternity as well as intimacy on a number of levels.”
I believe she’s right. God does honor our offering, and we are blessed for it no matter the end result. I’ve always been so frustrated because every time I miscarry I think to myself, “I just wasted 10-16 weeks of my life being sick, lying on the couch, and what do I have to show for it?? Nothing. No baby to hold when it’s over. Just a messy, disorganized house that’s been neglected for weeks.” Now I look at those times as sacred times where I was sacrificing my body for God’s plan. No it didn’t work out, but it was still a sacrifice, and I believe He sees that.
He knows us. He loves us. Don’t ever forget.
XOXOXOX
