Oh boy do I have a lot to post. It really isn’t funny at all. And it might take me until Christmas to catch up. So watch out!
Our sabbatical ends on Tuesday. Don’t bring it up to Darrin unless you want to see him cry. We really have had a great summer. I’m sad for it to end too, but a routine will be nice again.
In other news yesterday was August 30. The year anniversary of when baby Jonathan was born. Yes. we named him. Some people might think that’s strange to name a baby that I carried for only 17 weeks gestation, but not for me.
It’s helped our family deal with it and talk about it. He was a real part of our lives, and I wanted a way to specifically talk about him.
We’ve felt every emotion this year as we’ve grieved.
My first initial and lasting emotion was to be angry. And mostly to be angry at and dislike every other person that ever got pregnant or had a baby. That, too me, was the hardest thing to deal with. How come they got to keep their baby, and I didn’t get to? It’s just not fair. But if there’s one thing my mom drilled into my head as a kid: Life is not fair. I needed to find a way to love people again, even if they were pregnant or had a baby.
Not long after I had Jonathan, I got a new visiting teacher after having the same one for 4 years. I was upset. I thought, “Do they know what I’ve been though? How can they change my visiting teacher now when I’m struggling so much?” But the Lord always knows best. As great as Michelle is, there was something that I needed to learn from someone else. Melissa came for the first time a couple months ago, and we exchanged miscarriage stories…she too had been though a couple herself. In the months prior I had observed her time and time again on facebook or in person genuinely excited for people who were announcing their pregnancies. I thought to myself, “How can she be so excited for them?? They have something she wants and isn’t able to have right now.” So I decided to ask her. I don’t even remember what she said exactly. But I felt like she gave me permission to be happy for other people. She allowed me to flip the switch in my brain and ever since than my heart has been able to love. I was pretty sure I was going to be 50 and still have a hard time with pregnant women. To her I am forever grateful. And I’m not sure she knows the lasting impact of the conversation. But Melissa, if you read this…thank you.
I’m happy with my life right now.
I’m glad the Lord puts people in our lives that help us heal.
I can honestly say I can look at a pregnant lady and sometimes not even remember what I’ve been through…
And that my friends is a testimony of miracles and that the Lord does heal our hearts.
4 comments:
Kim-you are and will always be one amazing woman! I only wish I could be as strong as you are in life. I fall so short though and am so weak. I'm glad you guys had a great sabbatical! I have no idea what we will do for our in 4 years! :) Let me know what you learned to do or not to do!! :)
I love you! Thanks for sharing your sabbatical with us (me)!
I'm glad you posted! :D You have a lot of great things to say. It's awesome to hear your experience, and how you've dealt with life when "it's not fair." You're awesome. I love you!
it is so good to hear that you are healing. True healing is a long process, and it doesn't ever really end. That little boy was a part of you, and you will see him again!
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