Pregnancy Journal Jan. 18 (17 weeks)

Dearest little baby,

You are a very prayed over little child. I hope you want to come to our family as much as we want you.  It’s humbling to me how many people are constantly praying for your safe arrival into our arms.  Cousins have prayed for you from the beginning, aunts and uncles have fasted, grandparents are praying and diligently serving the Lord to be deserving of this special blessing.  Friends, and of course, your siblings and parents are continually praying.  My eyes were opened to this more this past weekend as the Hancock family gathered for your cousin Brittany’s wedding.

You are moving around a lot now.  I feel you several times a day.  At night when I’m sitting and relaxing is when you seem to have a party!  I don’t use the Doppler every day anymore, because I can feel you so often. 

You must be getting bigger because I have to wear maternity clothes all the time now.   Other people don’t think I’m that big, but I feel huge! 

Well, little one.  We love you.  Continue growing big and strong.

love,

Mom

Pregnancy Journal Jan 10 (16 weeks)

Today was the long awaited for and dreaded 16 week appointment.

This was the appointment we found out we lost our Jonathan in 2010.  I wasn’t too nervous, because right before I left the house I checked for a heartbeat and found one rather quickly, so my mind was at ease.  1% of me was a little bit afraid that what I thought was a heartbeat on the Doppler really wasn’t.  But I was pretty sure.

And just as I thought everything was fine.  The heartbeat was in the 150’s, and I was measuring 17…one week ahead.  And I’ve gained 4 pounds total.

On the way home from the appointment I was beaming.  I was so happy.  Joyful is probably a better word.  I was so grateful to my Heavenly Father for this baby. 

My sickness is completely gone.  And I treasure feeling good.  When you’ve been sick for a long time and you finally feel good, it’s such a great feeling.  How great it feels to feel healthy again!

I’ve started to feel things that might be the baby moving around, but I’m not totally sure yet.  Braxton Hicks contractions are very common now…they’re annoying, but necessary, I suppose.

My clothes are feeling very tight.  I’ve started to wear a rubber band on the button of my jeans to hold them shut.  The belly band is also my friend.  I’m pretty sure maternity clothes are right around the corner!

Pregnancy Journal Dec. 29 (14 weeks)

Today was my due date for miscarriage #3. 

Darrin always wonders why I dwell on these dates, but to me until I reach that due date and get passed it, I can’t fully heal.  The minute I find out I’m pregnant I calculate when my due date is and circle it on the calendar.  The date gets ingrained in my head, so to up and forget that date when I miscarry is out of the question for me. 

It was interesting this time because I’m pregnant again which I’m super excited about.  It did help to ease the pain somewhat, but in my soul I still had to mourn the death of this other little baby.

Ironically, a friend had her baby today.  On my due date.  I know she didn’t have a whole lot of control in the situation, so I tried really hard not to let it bother me.  But it was hard to look at her pictures and not wonder why that couldn’t have been me.  

Here’s to getting past this date and moving on!

Pregnancy Journal Dec. 27 (14 weeks)

I’m starting to feel really good.  I occasionally have waves of nausea, but it’s sooo much better than it was.

Today a friend let me borrow her fetal heart rate monitor.  I had never been very open to using one, because I didn’t want to freak out to my dr. every other day when I couldn’t find the heartbeat when the problem was user error.  Well, she offered it to me, brought it over, and it didn’t take long for me to try it out.  Finding the heartbeat was a lot easier than I thought it would be and once I found it, I wanted to listen to it forever!  It was such a great sound!  It brought me a lot peace of mind.

I would totally recommend getting one!

Pregnancy Journal Dec. 12 (12 weeks)

I made it!  I’m 12 weeks!!!

I went to the dr today, and again, I was super nervous.  

Darrin and Luke came with me.

She pulled out the ultrasound machine and put the wand on my belly and….

There was a baby with a heartbeat! 

I was sooo relieved.  I feel like we made it past the next check point.

I came home and felt a burst of energy!  I got some cleaning done and feel very blessed to make it this far! 

Yay for babies!

In other news, I decided I don’t like being sick and pregnant during December.  I have no energy to do the traditional things that make this month fun.  Hopefully my kids will forgive me for my lack of Christmas spirit!   The car accident, on the other hand, has taken lots of my time and strangely enough has been a distraction from the sickness which has it’s positive side.

Pregnancy Journal Nov. 29 (10 weeks)

I’m starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Double-digit weeks is always comforting.

Just a couple things to note:

Food does not sound good.  Usually I find one thing that I love when I’m sick, but this time NOTHING sounds good.  I do eat a lot of cutie oranges and toast with peanut butter.  And lucky charms is usually a good choice.  I still would prefer to eat out, but I’m turning into a snob and fast food grosses me out.  I really like Olive Garden and P.F Changs.

I still fit in my normal clothes.  I feel plumper, but the clothes are still fitting.  And it’s a good thing too.  I’m not telling people about this pregnancy until after my 16 dr. appointment.  So hopefully the clothes keep fitting at least until then!

I gave myself a deadline to feel better.  The date is Christmas day.  Hopefully I will get the present I want.  Darrin has been a champ to get up with the kids every morning for school for the past month in a half.  He hasn’t even complained.  I told him I would resume normal duty the day the kids go back to school after Christmas break. 

Thanks, babe, for all your help   You’re the best!

Pregnancy Journal Nov. 22 (9 weeks)

The first trimester of pregnancy is always hard for me.  This one is no exception.  And sometimes, despite the blessing that I feel this pregnancy is, it’s hard to remember that all the time.  The hourly battle to eat, sleep and accomplish the things I HAVE to do, is sometimes too much.

I feel sad that I can’t do the things I used to, that I lay in bed most of the day.  That my kids don’t even ask me to make lunch anymore…they just find something to eat and make it themselves.  I feel guilty that my house is always a mess.  I don’t make my family dinner, and we waste a lot of money eating out.  I feel bad that friends can’t rely on me anymore to help them out.

This post sounds quite depressing.  I just want to remember in a very real way my feelings at this point.  I’m not in a happy place right now despite that this baby is desperately wanted and prayed for. 

I know this season will pass.  I look forward to that day.  Sometimes looking at pictures or watching home movies of the other 3 boys when they were babies cheers up my spirit and reminds me that it will all be worth it in the end.

pregnancy journal Nov. 17 (8 weeks)

Today was my first dr. appointment.  I was sooo nervous.  I had my exam and then the nurse practitioner sent me over to get an ultrasound. 

It was the moment of truth.

I had been to that place too many times in the past couple years and left with bad news.  So I was preparing myself for the worst.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned its always carry sunglasses in your purse to an ultrasound.  You never know when you’re going to need them to get out of there in a dignified manner.

Well, I learned 3 things at the ultrasound which brought more promise than the past few pregnancies.

1.  There is a baby.

2.  There is a heartbeat of 165.

3.  It is measuring right on target.

Those three things brought me hope today.  I’m still nervous.  But so far so good!!

Later in the afternoon the nurse practitioner called me practically yelling excitedly over the phone how great everything looked and how she just knew this was going to be the one!  She’s great, and I love her!  For a minute I was excited, but I didn’t allow it to last.  We’ve been here before.  Bad things can still happen.

But the hope is definitely still alive.

Pregnancy Journal Nov 5th (7 weeks)

I cautiously told Josh the news today.

There was no way to hide it anymore.  We were sitting in the parking lot of Panera where we were going to eat lunch.  I was pretty sure my weak stomach couldn’t handle going in there.

I was afraid I was going to throw up in the car; something I really didn’t want him to see.

So I told him.

I explained to him that we’ve been at this place 3 other times before, but it hasn’t worked out, so be prepared if it doesn’t.

I think he understood.

Our messy house, my lack of cooking, and sleeping all the time now made sense to him.

Luckily we made it in the restaurant and ate without any trauma.

And then I proceeded to drag him to 2 craft stores looking for supplies to Young Women in Excellence invitation supplies.

Poor guy.

Pregnancy Journal Nov 1st (6 weeks)

6 weeks. 

For some reason this time the sick is getting to me.

I’m pretty sure I can’t go through this again.

I’m only 6 weeks and have so many more to go.

And who knows if it will end with the result that I want.

Who knows if there is a baby in there and if it’s growing?

All I can do is wait, pray, and hope.

And call the doctor and get a prescription to help with the nausea.

 

Luckily today was the last day of teaching preschool at my house.

Gotta love being sick and having 8 three year olds running around.

Especially glad to be done teaching this time around!

Pregnancy Journal Oct. 27th (5 weeks)

This past week I started to feel sick.

I think it started sooner than usual this time.

Ugg.

I’m blaming it on the progesterone.  I think it doubles the severity of every pregnancy symptom.

 

Tonight after RS meeting a bunch of us went to Red Robin. 

Spinach Artichoke Dip sounded really really good.

But guess what?  They changed their menu.

They don’t have Spinach Artichoke Dip anymore.

I was very bitter.

Oh well.  It probably wouldn’t have tasted like I imagined anyway.

Pregnancy Journal Oct. 18th (4 weeks)

Today I called my doctor’s office to tell them the news.

My doctor gave me the option of trying a progesterone/baby aspirin regimen this time.

She said it can’t hurt, so I thought, why not?

I got the prescription filled and picked up several other vitamins while I was at the store. 

I even bought one of those pill organizers.

I feel old.

Pregnancy Journal Oct. 17 (4 weeks)

Today I took a pregnancy test.

It was positive.

And I am nervous.

I want to be excited, but excitement will have to come later.

Right now I’m just nervous.  And rightfully so, I think.

Darrin’s parents left for England today on their mission.

Anything short of a coincidence?

I don’t think so.

new years eve. and darrin’s b-day.

On new year’s eve we just stayed home and played games with the kids.  We played our new game Life.  Even though we had to help them a lot, they still really enjoyed playing it.

We celebrated the new year with the kids at 10pm complete with horns, hats, and poppers. 

Luke’s popper must have been defective b/c when it went off it was super loud.  After it had popped, he pulled on his ear and started complaining that he could hear another sound.  Poor guy, it was so loud that his ear was ringing!  Sorry bud!

Happy New Year!!

Darrin’s b-day is on the 2nd, but we celebrated it on the 1st as well.  I bought 36 candy bars, and then passed them out at church to lots of people in the ward.  They all randomly gave him the candy bars sometime during church.  Each candy bar had a reason why we love our husband/dad.  I think he was pleasantly surprised!  He said he’s never been told Happy Birthday that many times on his birthday before! 

That night we went to Darrin’s brother’s house for dinner and cake.

On his actual b-day he had to work, but he came home early and we went out to eat at the Cheesecake Factory with some friends.  He got lots of board games and a Perplexus ball from the kids and I.  Hopefully he had a good day!  Love you babe!

Christmas Letter 2011

Dear Family and Friends,

Season's Greetings! We hope this letter finds you all happy and healthy! We have been so blessed this year and know that everything we have comes from a loving Heavenly Father. We are aware and grateful for his constant watch care over us and our loved ones. What a wonderful time of year to reflect on everything we have because of the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ. In celebration of 2011 here is a little bit of what we've been up to this year.

Darrin was able to take his sabbatical this summer. As a result we were able to make lots of memories and have tons of fun together as a family. Our travels took us to Disneyland, Idaho, Utah, Branson, Missouri, Oklahoma, the Oregon coast, and Darrin and I were able to go to Hawaii ALONE! It was a great summer! After the summer ended, we said good bye to Darrin's parents as they left on their mission to Manchester, England. We've had fun writing them and reading their letters. We pray for them daily and are grateful for their example and dedication.

Luke (3 1/2) is a sweet little boy who is growing up so fast! He loves preschool and nursery and is excited to go to Sunbeams. He loves his brothers and is eager to do what they're doing. He enjoys learning his letters and finding the letter "L" where ever we go.

Andrew (6) started kindergarten this year and is doing great! He's excited to learn to read. He LOVES Star Wars, Star Wars Legos, and playing Lego Star Wars on the Wii. This past year he took Taekwondo and made it to a white belt with a red stripe. He played soccer this past fall and discovered how much he loves it. Andrew is quite an independent kid who loves to take charge.

Josh (7 1/2) is in the 2nd grade. He loves reading and writing and wants to be a poet/author when he grows up. He also loves math and excitedly learning his multiplication and division facts. He's been taking piano lessons for almost a year, and also played soccer in the fall. He's a good example to his friends and is excited to be baptized in March.

Kim is finding herself to be more of a stay-in-car mom as opposed to a stay-at-home mom. She's constantly driving the kids to where they need to be. She's also staying busy being the Young Women's Secretary at church, the vice-president of the PTA, volunteering in the boys classrooms, teaching preschool, and continuing to take an online BYU class.

Darrin still works at Intel and is counting down until the next sabbatical:) In April he was called to be the 2nd counselor in our ward's bishopric and this fall he coached both the boys soccer teams. He still likes to play indoor soccer and play board games in his spare time.

We look forward to hearing from all of you this Christmas season and wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!

Christmas 2011 part 2

Josh and Andrew woke up around 7am, but we were able to hold them off until 8:00 when Luke woke up to open presents. 

Present Highlights:

Josh got Hex Bugs, snap circuit set, Legos, crystal growing set, and remote control helicopter

Andrew got LOTS of Legos, light saber, star wars guys, and nerf gun.

Luke got a Leapster with games, Cars Geo Trax, Legos, and Star Wars toys.

After we opened presents we got ready for church.  Darrin spoke and the choir sang.  It was great!  I wish we could go to church every Christmas day!  Afterwards we ate more ham and potatoes and just enjoyed each others company.  

For the several days that followed we just hung out and played.  Darrin took the week after Christmas off, so he was around to play with us.

Soapbox

Ugh. I’ve been wanting to post something about this for awhile, but I’ve been scared to.  Scared that I might offend someone.  But I don’t think I can be quiet any longer, especially after what I just read on Facebook posted by an acquaintance.  What this person said really irritated me.  So if you don’t like what my soapbox is about, don’t hate.

Awhile ago I read a blog post from a friend about the concept: you find what you’re looking for.  She told a story about how her step dad would always bring heart-shaped rocks home for her mom to the point where she had a collection of dozens of heart shaped rocks.  People would always ask him how he found so many to which he would say, “You find what you’re looking for.” (Thanks Jamie for sharing, I loved your story and hope it’s okay that share it :)

I believe that’s true.

The school by our house is a great school.  I love the teachers.  I love the principal.  I love how close it is to my house.  Unfortunately there are lots of people in our neighborhood who don’t agree and chose to send their kids elsewhere.  It irritates me that instead of sticking around and becoming heavily involved in the school to make the changes they want to see happen, they take the easy way out. 

Not only do they take the easy way out, but look down and judge anyone who stays at the school and doesn’t transfer.

I believe in most cases you could go to any school and find the negative.  But you could also find the positive.  It just depends on what you’re looking for.

Our school has a great need for parent involvement.  Many of the parents who would be heavily involved transfer leaving a heavy work load for the few parents who do not.  This frustrates me to no end. 

It also makes me sad that our school could have a pretty large population of LDS kids that go there.  It’s nice for them to stick together and be able to lean on each other.  But now that’s not the case.

I really try not to let this whole issue get to me.  We do what we feel is best for our family and you do what you feel is best for yours.  To each their own, I continually tell myself.  But when I feel judged about our decision that when it gets to me.  I just wish they all could find the positive like we have.

Okay.  I’m done.  Thank you and goodnight.

Christmas 2011 part 1

This picture of our dying poinsettia was taken before Christmas…whose poinsettia dies before Christmas?  Definitely a bad sign when that happens.

It kinda became a symbol of our Christmas this year.

Being sick and pregnant over the holidays in no fun I decided.  I hardly had any energy to do anything, let alone Christmas festivities.  If it wasn’t for Darrin, I’m pretty sure Christmas would not have happened.  He saw to it that the tree went up, advent calendars were done, Jingle (our elf) arrived, sugar cookies got made and presents were bought.

On Dec. 6 we put up/decorated the tree.

On Christmas Eve, NORAD was a big hit with our kids.  They kept track of Santa all day long.

That night we got together with Darrin’s siblings that live in Oregon and their families.

We opened a package that Darrin’s parents sent from England with lots of candy and small toys…it was fun to see what kinds of things kids get on Christmas there.

For dinner we ate ham, potatoes, broccoli with cheese, sweet potatoes, Jell-O, rolls, and sparkling soda.  It was a yummy meal!

After dinner we Skyped with other members of Darrin’s family who were having Christmas eve dinner in Tooele. 

Then the kids opened the PJs that Aunt Julie/Pauline made for them that say “Manchester England” with the British flag on them.

Then we acted out the story of Jesus’ birth.  Josh, Luke, and Jason were wise men and Darrin and Trevor were  shepherds.  Andrew and I were singers in the choir.

We sung Happy Birthday to Jesus and had birthday cake. 

At home we set out cookies for Santa and put the kids to bed. They fell asleep relatively quickly.  A few hours later Santa came.

Christmas morning was awesome.  Stay tuned…

bitter vs. sweet

“…for if they never should have bitter they could not know the sweet—” D&C 29:39

Top worst moments of 2011 (in no particular order)

1. Car Wreck (Nov. 2011)

2. Rock falling on me at Zion’s National Park (July 2011)

3. Finding out Darrin has skin cancer (Nov. 2011)

4. Miscarriage #3 (June 2011)

By Dec. I was laughing/crying at all the things we’d been through this year.  You know as well as I that although these things were scary at times, they could have been much worse and others have had much worse things happen in their lives.

These events were just annoying bumps in our road.  We’ve just never had so many bumps in one year…that’s why I wanted to sit in a puddle and ask…what’s next?  Why do these things keep happening?

Well, I have a theory.

Heavenly Father gives us the bitter, so we can taste the sweet.  I love in Moses 6:55 it says, “…they taste the bitter, that they may know to prize the good.”  I love that word prize.  Prize means to me to cherish or treasure.   Amongst all the bitter this past year, one thing was sweet.  And we’re still treasuring it.

I am pregnant. 17.5 weeks.  due June 22, 2012.

I know.  Amazing how the Lord works in our lives.  More on the story later…

If there is anything I’ve learned it’s to pretend every pregnancy/baby is the last.  Cherish it like it won’t ever happen again.  Because you never know, despite your own plans, if it will.

So in light of that, I’ve been keeping a pregnancy journal, and I plan to post it over the next couple weeks.  I want to remember every feeling and event.  Feel free not to read them if you don’t want…they’re mostly for me.

So there you go.  I had to start telling people at some point.  I’m pretty sure people are starting to wonder from the size of my protruding belly. 

I’ll just say we are happy.  We feel blessed.  Things could still go wrong at any point as with any pregnancy, so we’ve been cautious.  I keep asking Darrin if we can be excited yet. 

I think I’m finally ready.

I’m excited!!

The “C” Word

The week of Thanksgiving, Darrin was diagnosed with cancer.

A couple years ago a patch of dry skin appeared on his leg.  A couple months later it turned into a sore that never got better.  His doctor wrote it off as eczema, gave him some cream, and sent him on his way.

A year passed and the sore got worse.  He went back to the doctor in Oct.  The doctor took one look at the sore and told him he was going to need to get it checked out by a dermatologist. 

In Nov. the dermatologist biopsied the sore on his leg and froze another spot of “pre-cancer” on his wrist.  We waited for the biopsy results to come back.

They called the next day and confirmed. 

Skin cancer: Basal Cell Carcinoma.

Yes. I know basal cell is one of the most common cancers.  And one of the most curable.  But no one likes to hear that their spouse has cancer.  Cancer is such a scary word.  We spent Thanksgiving being a little more grateful for each other and life in general.  Life can really change is an instant.

On Dec. 19 Darrin went in to have Moh’s Surgery to have the cancer removed.  Click the link to learn more about the surgery.  The doctor was able to get all the cancer in one cut, which we were grateful for.  Darrin felt pretty young being in a waiting room full of 70-90 year old people having the same procedure done.

His leg has been healing quite nicely.  Here’s a pic of it about 5 days after the surgery.  He says in all honesty the biopsy hurt worse than surgery.

We are grateful for the outcome and pray we never hear that c-word again. 

Funny side story:  In early Dec. I was volunteering in Josh’s class and his teacher approached me with a concerned look on her face.  She asked how my husband was doing.  Having car crash on the brain I replied, “Oh he’s doing fine, he wasn’t in the crash with us…”  She interrupted me and said Josh had told her in his “weekend news” that his dad had cancer.  I chuckled and explained the situation.  She felt better after that, but I wondered who else he told that to!  It was sweet of her to be so concerned!

New Van

About a week or so after the crash, we got a call telling us our van was totaled.

Part of me was sad.  I loved my red van.

And part of me was happy.  How could I trust ANYONE to fix this mess correctly?

That night we went and cleaned out the van and said our goodbyes.

It looked a lot worse than I remembered…

We didn’t waste anytime getting a new one.  We’d researched and researched that whole week after the crash just in case it was totaled and decided to get another Odyssey.

The next day (Dec. 10), taking every piece of portable electronic equipment we own, we took 3 kids to buy a van. 

{what were we thinking?}

We found the one we wanted and got out of there in about four hours.  The kids did surprisingly well.

And this is what buying a new car looks like to a three year old.

And this is what the van looks like.  Even though we were sad to see the other one go, we absolutely LOVE the new one!