I get annoyed when I read a blog that doesn’t show the real life of a family. No family is perfect. We all have trials and things we go through in this life. It’s unavoidable. To me it’s much more interesting to read about the good times mixed in with those refining moments that shape us into the people Heavenly Father wants us to become. I also believe when we share our experiences, others will be strengthened. So in my effort to keep it real around here, I’m going to share this experience…first for my own memory, then for my kids, and then for anyone else that can benefit.
The past couple weeks we’ve been going through miscarriage #3. I was 10 weeks. I’m starting to feel like a broken record, and I hate it. If you would have asked me 3 years ago, after having 3 healthy kids no problem, if this was in my future I would have said, “Heck no! We've got it down! If you can have 3 you can have 10, right?” Ha. That’s what I thought. Well, as I’ve gone through this, I’ve learned a couple things. We are not in charge. at. all. I had a grand plan to have 5 kids and be done by the time I’m 30. I also didn’t want to have any big age gaps in between my kids. We’ll I’m here to tell you…I’m not in charge. I turn 30 this year, I obviously don’t have 5 kids, and my youngest is 3…the gap is getting bigger. I have learned I need to put my desires aside and let my Father in Heaven run the show and align my will with his.
The past weeks have been ones of turmoil. I just couldn’t find peace in my soul. Thoughts just keep running through my head wondering what to do next. Do we try again? Are we done with 3? Should I sell all the baby stuff? I want to know the end result of this story now. I want to plan for what’s next. As we were sitting in the celestial room of the temple on Saturday night, the thought came to my mind and reached deep within my soul, “You worry about those 3 boys you have and don’t worry about anything else. I’m in control. It will be okay.” Did that answer any questions I had? No. But I feel so much peace now. I’m okay with whatever happens. The temple is undoubtedly a place where we can get closer to God.
Then Sunday I found this article that gave me even more peace. You have to read it. It pertains to us all whether you’ve had a miscarriage or not. I love the line that says, “I became convinced that when women offer their bodies as vehicles for new life, they are consecrating themselves to God's purposes, and God honors this offering, whether or not it results in live birth. I realized that this is true for women in a variety of circumstances: women who try and try, but are unable to conceive; women who face the rigors of adopting a child; women who remain single in this lifetime, who must forego maternity as well as intimacy on a number of levels.”
I believe she’s right. God does honor our offering, and we are blessed for it no matter the end result. I’ve always been so frustrated because every time I miscarry I think to myself, “I just wasted 10-16 weeks of my life being sick, lying on the couch, and what do I have to show for it?? Nothing. No baby to hold when it’s over. Just a messy, disorganized house that’s been neglected for weeks.” Now I look at those times as sacred times where I was sacrificing my body for God’s plan. No it didn’t work out, but it was still a sacrifice, and I believe He sees that.
He knows us. He loves us. Don’t ever forget.
XOXOXOX
14 comments:
Beautifully said sweet daughter. I love you!
Kim, such lovely words. I have been somewhere similar. I've learned through infertility that the best laid plans often don't coincide with what the Lord and your body have in mind. Giving up control, giving up your plan is hard, so hard. The experiences I had in doing this, though, have refined me, like they have you. Praying for you and hoping for the best next time around!
oops, not Tyler, that was me Kim!
Kim, thanks for sharing such personal and intimate thoughts and feelings. I can't even imagine how you're feeling but so glad you found a little peace this past weekend.
My very good friend, Stacy, went through something similar and it was painful to watch. She miscarried her first pg, then amazingly got pg and it stuck and she had a boy in December 2003. Then over the course of 4 years she just couldn't get pg. Her grandma gave her money to do invitro after nearly 5 years of trying. The first round of invitro she got pg with twins and miscarried one at 10 weeks, and the other a few weeks later. Her second time doing invitro the pg finally stuck and she had healthy twin boys last year. She said the same thing you did about wanting to have 4-5 kids, small age gaps, etc. but Heavenly Father had other plans for their family. There is 6 1/2 years between her oldest and the twins. My good friend from high school, Brooke, tried for years to get pg, doing two rounds of invitro, miscarrying the first and the second not taking. They ended up adopting a little boy, Landon, 3 years ago. Jake's best friend, Shawn and his wife, Amei tried for almost 6 years, doing rounds of insemination and 2 or 3 rounds of invitro, miscarrying 3 or 4 times, then they finally got lucky and she's due this summer with twin girls. We also have other close friends who didn't know if they could get pg because the husband underwent chemo when he was a kid and they didn't know if he was sterile or not. Turns out he was, so they did insemination with someone else's sperm. She miscarried that pg and due to the expenses, financially and mentally, they ended up adopting two girls a few years later, after being married nearly 10 years. I tell you these stories just so you hopefully can feel a little bit of comfort in knowing that you're not alone, even though I'm sure you feel like it somedays. Infertility is heartbreaking and seeing quite a few of my friends deal with it, I know this is a trial I would not handle well. Every single person I know personally who has been given this trial is amazing, strong, and very courageous. You are no exception. Big hugs, friend. I'm thinking and praying for you.
Love you!!!
Kim, I see you as a pillar of strength and quiet obedience; whether or not you feel this way, you are a good example to everyone who knows you.
I found an article yesterday (http://womeninthescriptures.blogspot.com/2010/12/lds-churchs-stance-on-tubal-litigations.html) that began as a discussion on the church's stance on sterilization as a form of birth control, but the discussions evolved it into something much more. I was surprised at how little I knew regarding the words of the prophets. I came to feel how much in control He is and how little in control we are. And yet, he gives us our free agency. Above all, that the Lord has divined a perfect timing for the arrival of his spirit children. I found the personal stories in the comments uplifting (for the most part) and felt a deeper appreciation for Motherhood and Heavenly Father's care (and plan) for each of us.
I also wanted to share an experience a lady in my ward shared with me one day. She had a miscarriage very early in her pregnancy and was prompted to pray about her grief. She had the distinct impression that her baby had indeed been given a body and would be restored to her in the future to raise as her own. Whether or not this is true in all cases, no one can know, but it gave me so much reassurance to know that no matter what scary and heartbreaking situations we endure as mothers, there is a plan meant for our ultimate joy.
Love you!
I have read that article before and love it! You have a beautiful family and with a positive attitude and eternal perspective everything will be just fine. Hang in there, Heather
Kim--
I really appreciate you sharing this experience, and your testimony. Even though what you are going through is very different from the things that I am going through, your testimony really helped to strengthen me, which was something that I needed A LOT today. Thank you for being such a good example of courage and strength. You and your family will be in our prayers. I love you!
Kim-what a beautiful article. It helped me to make sense of miscarriage. It is such a heartbreaking thing. Thank you for sharing.
Kim, Thank you for sharing this with us. You have so much strength. This must be so hard for you. I have decided hard challenges are only for those who are AMAZING. You included. Don't ever forget that your Savior knows you ever ache.
You are such a wonderful person Kim!! So sorry that you are going though this again! Love and miss you!!
If you have any plans to come this way this summer....please come see us. Would love to see you!
Thank you for sharing the article and your testimony. I was touched by what you said about the Lord's timing not always being our timing. We just need to trust Him. Take care and stay strong.
Kim, I can only imagine how difficult this has been for you. I am so sorry that you are going through this again. I am glad that you were able to find peace in the temple even if you didn't quite get the answers you wanted. It is so difficult to realize that we are not in charge and that regardless of our righteous desires, things don't always go how we had planned. I know Heavenly Father has a plan and that He loves you. Thanks for your sweet testimony.
You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
XOXO
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and the article.
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